" RUTH'S STORY "

It all started on September 11 , 2002.That's the day that changed thousands of lives all over the world. On that one day, our peaceful world, some would say fantasy world, ended forever. We were a generation of smug security. We watched as other countries faced terrorists on a daily basis and said how awful that was. Some of us even sent money to help the victims. But, our lives went on uninterrupted and most of us never thought our peaceful bliss would end. Then it happened ! When those planes crashed into the trade center, the pentagon and the fields of , it shocked the nation. We couldn't wrap our minds around what had happened. It had to be a bad dream. These things happened to other countries, not the United States of America, for gods sakes.

I live in a small town in the central valley of California. Most people have never even heard of the town unless they passed through it on their way to the Sequoia National Forrest. Like the rest of the country, we all wondered around aimlessly in a daze for weeks. There should be something we could do, but what was it? Patriotism was rampant-flags flew everywhere. Maybe that would help. We would would show the rest of the world that we still stood strong and will not be defeated. People hugged strangers and cried together. We all wanted something to make us feel just a little bit better. But what was it????? Nothing seemed to make that horrible feeling in the pit of our stomachs go away. We were all in mourning-for all those lives lost and for our innocence that we would never get back.

My grandson has always had a strong sence of right and wrong. He marches to his own drum. He didn't seem to have any problem knowing what he was suppose to do. He was still finishing high school and not old enough to join the Army without parental consent. He Father was a police officer who died in the line of duty when JD was only two and his mother would not sign for him to join the Army. He took out some of his frustration by making a power point presentation on 9-11. When the city asked to use it in the anniversary celebration, he agreed. But when they later wanted to edit some of the material, he denied the request. That's JD, he wont compromise his ideals.

One fateful afternoon, we got a call from from the recruiter's office. JD had joined the Army. He was now old enough to do it without parental consent. He was doing what he felt he was meant to do - it was his duty to serve his country. What could we do? We were so proud of the wonderful young man he had become and his strong convictions but to have him go off to war was unthinkable. He was still our baby regardless of how old he was or how tall he was. We had already lost his dad, wasn't that enough? The death of his father and four other family members had forever taken away the innocent belief that things happen to others, not to us. Bad things do happen to us!

But, this was JD's choice and we had to support him. We put on that happy face, told him how proud we were of him, and saved the tears for the privacy of the shower. Unless you have experienced a loved one going off to war, there is no way you can begin to understand the fear. the urge to just grab them and run away someplace safe is overwhelming. I longed for the days when that little boy would spend week-ends at my house. I would make cookies and his special pancakes. He would try to stay up all night watching movies but could never make it past midnight without falling asleep. Why can't we just go back to those days???

He went off to training and we tried to get used to not seeing him regularly. He called whenever he could and continued to tell us he was doing what he was meant to do. His basic training did not go smoothly. Unaccustomed to the cold weather, he was hospitalized three times with pneumonia. this put him behind in his training and he did not graduate with his class. Was this a sign that he wasn't meant to be in the service? Why don't they just let him come home? At one point that did seem to be an option but he wanted to finish what he had started. He never had any plans to be a career soldier- just do his duty for his country and come home and go into law enforcement like his dad.

My daughter and I visited him in basic training. It seemed he had grown and matured so much in that short period of time. We were proud of the man he was becoming but missed the wonderful boy he had always been.

Not long after completing hid training, he got his orders for Afghanistan. Our worst fears had come true- he was off to war. We tried to tell ourselves that Afghanistan wasn't as bad as Iraq but we were having a hard time convincing ourselves that it was much safer.

Then we had to get used to going for weeks at a time without hearing from him. You try to tell yourself that "no news is good news" but it really doesn't help much. I couldn't sleep through a night. I would wake up with panic attacks. I've never thought of myself as psychic but I would wonder if there was a reason I woke up so suddenly. Did something happen? the lack of sleep wears you down and adds to depression and fear. I couldn't find a way to make my life feel "normal". Nothing seemed right. Oh, I went to work each day, put on a smile, acted what I guess would be normal but inside I was scared to death all the time. Every time I heard a report of deaths in Afghanistan, my heart actually skipped a beat. The next thing I had to do was try to find out which branch of the military they were in. When I would learn it was Marines, I would fell relieved for a few minutes before realizing that they were someone's son, daughter, grandson, brother, ect. Then the guilt would settle in. If it was the Army, then I would start jumping every time the phone rang- was it my daughter calling with the dreaded news? It was worse for her, she said she could hardly make herself answer the door. She was so afraid there would be a uniform standing there. My daughter and I are exceptionally close. I thank God every day for her and the support she gave me. I only hope I was able to help her as well. I know we clung to each other and relied on each other for encouragement. And, I know we were never alone - thousands of families were going through the same thing. Will we all come out of it the same? Finally he was home from Afghanistan. Hw did get injured when a rock hit him in the head but he came home with all four limbs. We were so thankful, I found out what it was like to sleep all night. I hadn't realized what a tremendousely heavy load I had been carrying until I suddenly felt it lifted. He was home safe!

He was scheduled to be out of the service in October. We were counting the days. He warned us that there was a good chance he would be deployed again- this time to Iraq. Two months before he was to be discharged, he left for Iraq. This time we knew what to expect. I braced myself for the sleepless nights, panic attacks and constant fear. It just never seems to get any easier.

We spend another Christmas without him. Being a close family that celebrates all holidays, we tried to make the most of the situation. We mailed off packages full of Christmas decorations, gifts, food, ect. Anything we could think of to keep Christmas and family as close to him as possible. At home, we went through thr motions to keep the spirit alive. Next year, he will be home! We'll make up for it next year!

Just after Christmas, he was involved in a roadside bombing. He escaped physical injury but will probably never get over the injuries to his emotional being. No one should ever have to put out fires that are the bodies of his friends burning. How will these young men and women ever forget those images. Will they be permanently etched in there minds forever? We prayed for the victims, we prayed for the survivors and we hurt for there families. I wanted to gather my grandson up in my arms and hold him while he cried like I did when he was little. I could make the pain of that skinned knee go away but how could I make this hurt go away? I was at a loss to know how to help him.

He was granted a two week leave to come home after Christmas. I had an artficial tree for Christmas and told him I would leave it up until he came home. But, he really wanted a real tree. His mom had a real tree and we decided to try to leave it up. It was totally dry and a real fire hazard by the time he got home but he got a somewhat "live" tree. We celebrated Christmas all over again- this time it felt right because all our family was there.

His stay at home ended badly when a friend slammed his hand in a house door requiring stitches. Then on the flight back to Iraq, he was hospitalized after getting sick while waiting for a connecting flight. He is now back in Iraq and doing okay, We r.....................

Ruth Ann Lewis




This was written about a week before she left us. As we were talking on the phone one day, she was very excited to tell me she had finally written "her story". This was the first I had heard about it but apparently she had been wanting to put her thoughts on paper for quite some time but had nevr gotten around to it. I thank God every day that for whatever reason, she decited it was time to write. In the horrible first days after we lost her, it was so important to us, Rick, Wanda and I, to find her story and see what she had to say. It was so like her that "her story" is really about Justin and the absolute love she had for him as she did for all her family. We have printed it exactly as we found it, typos, incomplete sentences and all. This of course was "her story" and it would never have been left imperfect if she had known any one would be reading it. This is something I will treasure as will all her family. The Army is not letting Justin come home to attend the services. He is heartbroken about this. He is the only surviving grandson and my only son, but this doesn't seem to matter to the "Chain of Command". My Mom and I were making plans to be in New York to attend the homecoming ceremonies when the 10th Mountain Division returns from Iraq. It will be a bittersweet day when Lacey and I make that trip without her. It is sad and ironic that Christmas 2006 will include Justin, but not my Mom. I agree with her when she said "Why can't we just go back to those days!" Life will never be the same without her.

Chris

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